This probably won’t be interesting to anyone but hey, why not post about it. 😛 I would state a fun fact but right now I’m too tired to think of one.
After my last post, someone on Twitter (@killerbookmktng I believe the username is… the call name is Killer Book Marketing either way if you’re interested in heading on over and saying hi to him) sent me a direct message and advised me to remember why I began writing in the first place. At first, I couldn’t figure it out. Why DID I initially begin writing? Then I realized the answer, after a lot of soul searching.
I began writing to express what I perceived as spiritual truths and events at the time, as well as to deal with overwhelming emotions. I started writing seriously when I was a teenager (hence the overwhelming emotions bit, lol). Writing used to be a massive part of who I am. I was primarily a poet at the time, though I also wrote some drabbles and stories. Generally, people liked what I produced. It was raw and primal (I guess I would call it), full of rich imagery.
Then various events happened and well… I lost it. I started hating everything I’d previously written because I felt like it represented someone who was no longer “me”. I hated myself and I hated who I used to be, what my writing represented. The events changed me irrevocably. I felt lost and I did lose everything that made me who I was for a long time. In losing myself, I couldn’t really do anything that had previously been me. I was completely separated from myself. Up was down. I had absolutely no sense of direction anymore, caught between too many possibilities and expectations. I didn’t even know what I believed or thought half the time. It was like everyone else and their mother was doing the thinking for me.
Then I started trying to write things that I thought people would like to read. There’s so much advice floating around out there about the book industry. There are so many opinions on what’s right and what’s wrong (in general, but especially about writing). At first, when I directed my attention to making my living as an author, I was shocked that people have so much to say about writing and publishing. My gods, people! Before I started researching, I never would have guess that so much controversy went into writing, let alone publishing. I could let loose a string of swear words, it’s so annoyingly amazing. So the very thought of writing became something that was no longer mine. Half the advice says to write what’s in you and needs to come out. The other half says, basically, how cute that advice is but you’re never actually going to do anything with your writing unless you write to industry standard and give everyone what they want to read. In trying to figure out which way was right, everything about my writing lost its very heart and soul. For a writer, there’s nothing worse.
You can’t please everyone, for that matter.
Meanwhile, I’ve been lost and confused in my spiritual path for a long time. I was working on developing a foundation during my teen years, then certain events happened and I lost that while trying to hold onto it. Recently, I’ve been continuing the process of forming a foundation and figuring things out, then beginning to Work on a deeper level, from a much deeper part of me. I’ve matured a lot in the years that have passed, and that’s good. I don’t think I was quite ready for what I feel Called to back then. Because of this, I will most likely end up writing again, it just might not be anything that the mainstream world wants to read. (I have to wonder whether any of my writing ever was, though.) That’s okay. It must be okay. There’s no other option, because to do otherwise would strangle the art right out of me again.
So, all that said, it’s time to wrap this up and post it. I hope you’re all having a great day, wherever and whenever you are. Thank you for reading. 🙂 Until next time!